恶汉阿泰  zz from hc.

joker

One.Birth
一、 诞生

November 13, 1979
While playing center for Philadelphia, Darryl Dawkins shattered a backboard with a slam-dunk during the Sixers’ 110-103 loss at Kansas City.
They later found out that it was actually shattered by Ron Artest being born.
1979年11月13日。在76人103-110输给堪萨斯城的比赛中，费城的中锋Darryl Dawkins用一个灌篮扣碎了篮板。
后来，人们发现，事实上，篮板碎裂是因为阿泰那天出生了。

When Ron Artest was born he cut his own umbilical cord.
阿泰出生的时候自己剪断了脐带。

Ron Artest doesn’t eat to survive, he relies on solar energy.
阿泰不食人间烟火，他靠太阳能。

Ron Artest's legend precedes him the way lightning precedes thunder.
轰隆一声雷响，阿泰早已登场。


Two.Legend
二、 传说

In the beginning, there was nothing.
Then Ron Artest punched that nothing in the face and told it to get a job.
This is known as the birth of the universe.
最初，一切都是虚无。
然后阿泰一拳打在“虚无”的脸上，叫他去找点活干。
这就是众所周之的“宇宙的诞生”。

Ron Artest has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
阿泰拥有12颗卫星，其中一颗就是地球。

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet as Ron Artest.
外太空之所以存在就是因为它不敢跟阿泰在同一个星球上。

Ron Artest refers to himself in fourth person.
阿泰用第四人称来称呼自己。

In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Ron Artest, because Ron Artest killed that man.
古代中国有个传说，有一天龙将会生下一个孩子，长大后将会成长为一个男人，击败世上所有罪恶。我说的这个男人不是阿泰，他被阿泰杀了。


When Ron Artest gets cold, he turns up the Sun.
当阿泰觉得冷了，他就把太阳的温度调高。

Ron Artest doesn't get frostbite. He bites frost.
阿泰不会被霜冻伤，他只会把霜冻伤。

[Ron Artest] sleeps with a night light. Not because [Ron Artest] is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of [Ron Artest].
阿泰睡觉的时候点着灯，不是因为阿泰怕黑暗，而是因为黑暗怕阿泰

Ron Artest stops his car by actually applying his foot to the pavement.
阿泰开车的时候刹车都是用脚——双脚着地！

Ron Artest doesn't use scuba diving equipment. He just holds his breath.
阿泰潜水不用水中呼吸器，他只要屏住呼吸。

Ron Artest's tears can cure cancer... too bad he never cries.
阿泰的眼泪可以治愈癌症……只是可惜他从来没哭过。

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Ron Artest can kill 100 percent.
消毒杀菌洗手液里的佼佼者声称他们可以杀死99.9%的细菌。阿泰可以杀死100%。


Three.Toughness
三、强悍

ron artest can push you so fast to the left that it would make your heart end up on the right side of your chest
当阿泰以迅雷不及掩耳之势将你推向左边，你会惊讶地发现自己的心脏因为惯性已经跑到了右胸腔

Ron Artest can split the atom with his bare hands.
阿泰可以徒手劈开原子。

The fastest way to a man's heart is Ron Artest's fist.
世界上打穿一个男人胸膛的最快的东西就是阿泰的拳头。

Sticks and stones may break your bones.
Ron Artest will break your sticks and stones. And eat them as a light appetizer.
棍棒和石头会打碎你的骨头。
阿泰会打碎你的棍棒和石头，然后当成开胃果吃掉。

Ron Artest beat up the guy who beat up Kimbo Slice in 13 seconds
阿泰秒杀了那个13秒钟内搞定街斗之王KIMBO SLICE的人。

The chief export of Ron Artest is pain.
阿泰的主要出口货物就是痛苦。

If you want a list of Ron Artest’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
如果你要阿泰敌人的列表，那就去查已灭绝物种列表。

Being a good citizen, Ron Artest frequently donates blood to the Red Cross… Just never his own.
阿泰是好人，经常献血。只不过不是他自己的血。

Ron Artest doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
阿泰从不洗澡，他喜欢血浴。

The Boogeyman looks under his bed for Ron Artest.
杀人魔（电影恶灵空间中的鬼）总是担心阿泰藏在自己的床底下。

If a Rattle snake bit Ron Artest, the snake would die.
如果响尾蛇咬了阿泰，那它就死定了。

When Bush started the war with Iraq looking for weapons of mass destruction he didn't know Ron only went there for a vacation.
当布什以销毁大规模杀伤性武器为名发动伊拉克战争的时候，他不知道其实阿泰只是去那里度了个假。

Ron Artest made George W. Bush stutter by just staring at him.
布什被阿泰盯着的时候会口吃。


The fastest way to a man's heart is Ron Artest's fist.
世界上最远的距离，不是我们相距万水千山，而是阿泰打了你一拳之后，你和阿泰的距离。


Four.Achievement
四、成就

Ron Artest invented the question mark.
阿泰发明了问号。

Ron Artest does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
阿泰从不做拼写检查，因为要是他打了错字，那《牛津字典》就会以他的拼写为准。

One night, Thomas Jefferson and Ben Franklin simultaneously had a dream about Ron Artest... the next day they wrote the 2nd amendment.
一天晚上，托马斯 杰弗森和本 富兰克林不约而同的梦到了阿泰。第二天他们就对独立宣言做了第二次修正。

They once made a Ron Artest toilet paper, but it wouldn't take sh_t from anybody.
有人试图做阿泰牌手纸，结果谁也没办法用它擦屁股。

Ron Artest can divide by zero.
阿泰能被零整除。

Ron Artest gets his Big Macs from Burger King.
阿泰从Burger King买(MC的）巨无霸吃。

Ron Artest once challenged Lance Armstrong in a Who has more testicles? contest. Ron Artest won by 5.
阿泰和环法车王兰斯-阿姆斯特朗比赛谁的蛋蛋多，结果阿泰以5个蛋蛋的优势胜出

When Ron Artest gets cold, he turns up the Sun.
当阿泰冷了，他就升起太阳


Five.Anecdotes
五、轶事

There is no 'Ctrl' button on Ron Artest's computer. Ron Artest is always in control.
阿泰用的电脑没有Ctrl键，因为他自己总是掌控着一切。

Ron Artest doesn’t believe in the DELETE button because hes never wrong.
阿泰从不信任delete键，因为他从没错过。

ron artest once smoked a cigarette in 1983, he still has not exhaled
阿泰1983年吸了根烟，到现在也没吐出烟来。

Ron Artest's Penis is so huge, that when he walks to the bathroom at night he gets carpet burns.
阿泰的jj很huge，以至于他每晚走到浴室都会（摩擦起火）烧掉地毯

[Ron Artest] sleeps with a night light. Not because [Ron Artest] is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of [Ron Artest].
阿泰睡觉点着灯，不是阿泰怕黑暗，而是黑暗怕阿泰

A guy at a bar asked Ron Artest, Can you give me that bottle in front of me?
Ron gave him a frontal lobotomy.
酒吧里一个家伙问阿泰：能把我前面那个瓶子拿给我吗？
阿泰够客气，直接帮那人做了一个前脑叶白质切除手术

Ron Artest is dyslexic, agnostic, and an insomniac.
He stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
阿泰是一个朗诵困难者，不可知论者和失眠患者。
他每天都通宵思考一个问题：世界上真的有狗吗？

One time Ron Artest was pulled over for drunk driving. He blew a 777% on the Breathalyzer and the officer was ——given a warning.
有一次阿泰因为酒后驾车被阿sir抓住了。他在呼气测醉器前一吹，777%。然后阿sir被警告了。。。

Artest was sent to anger management sessions after he abused his 3 years old classmate who threw a cup with milk ——at him in kindergarten.
阿泰被发配去了愤怒控制小黑屋，因为他虐待他那3岁的同学。那同学在幼儿园里泼了他一杯牛奶。

Ron Artest puts the laughter in manslaughter.
阿泰在杀人罪的单词中创造了微笑这个单词

I heard Eddie House hired two bodyguards to protect him from Ron Artest.
我听说艾迪豪斯雇了两个保镖来保护他远离阿泰。。


Six.Basketball
六、篮球

Ron Artest is so versatile that he is on the first team by himself.
Ron Artest
Position: PGSGSFPFC
阿泰斯特多才多艺无所不能，他独自一个人就组成了第一阵容。
阿泰斯特
位置：控球后卫、得分后卫、小前锋、大前锋、中锋

Ron Artest didn't get traded to the Rockets, the Rockets got traded to Ron Artest.
不是阿泰被交易到火箭队，而是火箭队被交易给阿泰。

The Great Wall of China, Yao Ming, was originally created to keep Ron Artest out. He failed misserably.
最初人们创造中国长城——姚明——就是为了防止阿泰的入侵。但这样的企图可耻的失败鸟。

If Tracy or Yao get injured this season, Ron will heal them with his touch.
万一姚麦又受伤鸟，阿泰会用他的爱抚来治愈他们。

Ron Artest doesn't jump, he pushes the earth down 48 inches.
阿泰不跳，他只是把地球往下砸了48英寸。

Ron Artest is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around the man he's defending.
阿泰认为被他防守的人的周围一切都是阿泰自己空间（my space），所以他决定控告Myspace侵权。

Artest used to be the brand of basketball. But it was changed to Spalding since no NBA player can make any layup with it.
以前阿泰本来是篮球品牌。但后来变成了斯伯丁，因为没有nba球员能带着那个球上篮。

Ron Artest doesn't read defense. He just stares at the opponent until they break down.
阿泰不需要阅读防守。他只是盯着对手，直到对手崩溃。

Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Ron artest to dunked on you...Fourty seven times.
从1数到10吧，在10秒之内阿泰会在你的头上扣篮——47次。

Ron Artest doesn't brick, he creates rebound opportunities
阿泰投丢了那可不叫打铁，他只是在创造篮板球机会。

Ron Artest throws half court alley oops, to himself.
阿泰刚过半场就跟自己玩空接。

When Ron Artest is on the court the whistle never blows, it's just a Jazz fan screaming like a little girl in absolute terror when making eye contact with him.
阿泰在场上的时候，大家都听不到裁判的哨声。大家听到的只是一个爵士粉在和阿泰照眼后的惊恐惨叫声。

Ron Artest converted every person from Utah into Rockets fans.
阿泰把所有犹他州的人变成火箭迷。

Ron Artest once jumped and touched the top of the backboard. ...with his testicles.
阿泰曾经高高跳起摸到过篮板的上沿，不过用的是他的睾丸。

Ron Artest is so intimidating that he turned on his TV and caused Luther Head to shoot 1-for-14.
阿泰太可怕了，他打开了电视，结果海德被吓得14中1.

Ron Artest likes basketball because he gets to shoot around.
阿泰喜欢篮球因为他喜欢随便射的感觉。

Ron Artest only plays at two speeds: fast break, and KILL
阿泰只会用两种速度打球，一是快速突破，二是杀人

Ron Artest once during a game scored 13 points in 10 seconds ...while he was in the bathroom
阿泰曾在一场比赛里在10秒内得了13分。而当时他在浴室里。